Let’s go beyond “Please” and “Thank You”

It’s common to tell your kids, “say thank you”, “say please”, and to “ask me when you want to go to a friend’s house rather than telling me.” I’m sure you have many more directions that you give your kids to mold them into being appreciative children. You don’t need my advice in this arena.

What often gets forgotten, however, is that children learn about appreciation by how YOU treat them more than how you tell THEM to treat others. Your behavior models for your children how much you value them.

Let’s look at the definition of appreciation: The recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of someone or something.

1. Listen with Appreciation

We are so invested in telling kids what to do, say, and even think, that parents rarely take designated time to listen. Over time, kids learn that they will most often get attention when they aren’t doing what is expected of them, thus the negative attention-seeking behaviors.

I fell into this trap when I was teaching my daughter to hang up her bath towel by respectfully saying the word “towel” to her. Then, one day, I noticed that the towel wasn’t on the floor and I brought this up to my daughter. Her response was, “I’ve been hanging it up for a while. You just didn’t notice.” Her words taught me that I needed to make sure that I spent time every day NOT focusing on what she wasn’t doing right.

ACTION STEP – Set a timer for 5 to 10 minutes EVERY DAY to listen to each child privately. That means telling them you value their thoughts so much that you don’t want to miss a day of listening to them. Not “talking with them”: but listening to them. Before you attempt this, read chapters 9 – 12 in Ally Parenting so you will successfully listen in a way that demonstrates how much you appreciate their thoughts, feelings, and who they are as valuable people.

2. Shift your thinking from “they are the problem” to “they are part of the solution” 

Parents easily get stuck in seeing their child’s “negative” behavior as the problem. This then leads to thinking that if their child just stopped and acted more maturely, then everything would be ok. The child becomes the source of the problem because they are the one “showing the problem” of your interaction with them.

When you instead, stop and appreciate that they want to act better and that they need help finding a better way, then you can appreciate their struggle. You recognize that your child has the ability to find positive solutions with your guidance.

ACTION STEP – When you see negative behavior, such as dawdling in the morning, appreciate their creativity and desire to act positive. At another time say, “we’re having a hard time getting out of the house in the morning. It looks like we need to talk about what’s going on and find a better way to handle the morning routine.

3. Avoid shaming words that diminish the feelings of being appreciated

Most of the parents I work with have strong-willed children. These children value independence and they respond negatively to being told what to do. To them, telling them directly implies that they are not capable of figuring it out on their own, that they are not good, and that they definitely don’t feel appreciated.

Here are some common commands that often feel hurtful. I’ll start the sentence and you fill in the rest. Work to avoid these words. I offer more positive options below and a complete list in my book Ally Parenting.

1. You need to…..
2. You have to….
3. I want you to…..
4. You are supposed to….
5. How many times do I have to tell you?

ACTION STEP: Notice how often you use the above words that can feel degrading to your child’s ego. They also lead to power struggles. Instead, eliminate the “you” and “I” statements and try, “It’s time to…..”, “The agreement is ….”, “ The rule is….” and a favorite when used properly, “After you (work) …. then you can…(play) ..”

4. Understand and appreciate their current maturity level

Too often parents compare their child’s behavior to the adult standard. As a result, their kids come up lacking in many areas. Instead, rather than even comparing to a standard, openly observe your child and see areas that need improvement. Then approach them as their teacher.

ACTION STEP: Listen to your language to understand whether you are stuck in a comparison rut that doesn’t appreciate your child’s current developmental level. Watch for these cues in your language.

1. “You should…..”
2. “I shouldn’t have to tell you……”
3. “Why do I have to keep reminding you…?.”
4. “Why can’t you remember to….?”

Each of these statements point to the child as a failure of some sort and I know that is not your intention. Parents are “taught” to vent their frustrations with their kids as a way to improve kids’ learning. Start by avoiding these hurtful phrases.

5. Make appreciation a habit

There’s something to be said about writing in a Gratitude Journal. It helps us focus on the positive in our lives and in others. However, children don’t read your journal and they need to feel appreciated. Children feel deeply hurt when you are disappointed with them. To offset this hurt, make a habit of thinking about one positive characteristic or action of your child daily and let them know.

ACTION STEP: Make dinner time or family meeting time extra special by each person saying something they appreciate about each other. Teens might roll their eyes at your request for them to appreciate each person but they won’t stop you from saying what you like about them. If they get stuck, you can make some suggestions. Remember that you are counteracting the negative feelings kids have about themselves so make this step a priority.

6. Appreciate to show value, not control

Be careful of saying “thank you” in a way that feels manipulative to your kids. Have these words come from a deep appreciation when your kids contribute to the household or help others.

ACTION STEP: Some parents grew up not being told “thank you” when they did something that was expected of them. If you did, I encourage you to say “thank you” even if it feels uncomfortable. These words of appreciation are golden and will create a more loving and accepting home environment.