A unique approach to developing confident children

A unique approach to developing confident children

What is confidence and how do we help develop confident children? These are important questions that you are probably thinking about, too.

As I created my latest workshop, I realized how closely tied a child’s confidence is to how much they are willing to contribute to family harmony.  Most children want the home to be pleasant when they feel good inside. I do acknowledge that some children have challenges that make feeling good about themselves more difficult. 

Defining Confidence in Childhood

The definition of confidence is: A feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities.

When Jen was young, she liked sitting by the T.V. and eating a snack. When she was done, she left the chair BUT she always left her dish behind. “Take your dish over!” I’d proclaim over and over.

The Problem with Logical Consequences

Repeating myself became very frustrating so I looked in a parenting book for advice. One expert suggested using a logical consequence.

Trying this approach, I told Jen, “I’m going to charge you 25 cents every time you leave your dish there and I take it over.”  “No!” she exclaimed. “I’ll never have any money!” 

I knew then that using a logical consequence threatened her and made her feel bad. She wasn’t leaving the dishes there on purpose. She was a kid and she had more important things on her mind. This threat didn’t encourage her to “obey” at all. She only saw her flaws of forgetting the dishes.

The Power of the One-Word Reminder

So, another approach was needed. Keeping in mind that she still needed a reminder, I suggested that I say one word to remind her to take them over. This way I wouldn’t be mad and she wouldn’t feel shamed and bad.

We agreed on the word “Dishes.” That’s it. Now, this meant that I needed to accept my job as a parent to train her and not resent this job. When I said the word clearly, and nicely, she would come out immediately and take the dishes to the kitchen. What a relief.

This approach made her feel good because she was responsible even though it took a nudge. With time, she took the dishes over on her own. 

How Feeling Good Leads to Doing Good

I learned from this experience that when a child feels bad they often act bad. When they feel good about themselves, then they act good to others. 

Let’s review the definition of confidence. 

A feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities. 

Every time Jen took over the dishes, she built up her confidence in her abilities. Every time we respectfully ensure that our children do a chore, we are helping them build their confidence. Learning how to be an effective Director is worth the time and effort and your children will love you for it. 

Giving Respectful Directions

One way children have chances to succeed is when you give respectful directions that are set up in a way that they will probably follow. In other words, where they don’t feel you are being bossy too often. Children don’t respond well to feeling pushed around. 

I’ve talked about the one-word approach I used to get Jen to take over her dishes. I also used this for other tasks such as picking up her wet towel off of the bathroom floor.

Implementing the After-Then Strategy

Another approach that can be effectively used when a child is asking for something they want to do is the After-then strategy. Whenever Jen asked to go to a friend’s house, for example, I would think, “What chores hasn’t she done yet?” before answering her. Often it was cleaning the bathroom. 

So, my response would be “After you clean the bathroom, then you can go.” Remember that when you use this strategy, children/tweens/teens will complain because they have another plan in mind. Don’t get emotionally triggered and upset with them. If you do, chances are you will say words that hurt their self-esteem  like, “Well, if you had done it sooner….” or “You should have known….” I know these are commonly used however, you hurt your relationship when you scold your children.

I have provided full details on how to properly use the After-then strategy in my blog post How to Do the After-Then Parenting Strategy So YOu Easily Win Coopertion From Your Children. 

The Connection Between Contribution and Confidence

So, the first part of providing chances for children to feel confident is when they successfully contribute to the family. They won’t realize they are developing their confidence but you know it. That’s why it’s important to learn how to do the Director Role successfully. It’s not just to get them to be responsible. It’s much deeper than that. It’s to give them opportunities to feel good about themselves which is the main part of building their confidence.

Learn about the 3 parenting roles in my blog post titled Ally Parenting book chapter: Choose Your Parental role, Direcotr, Collaborator, and Supporter. 

More to come on the second part of building confidence next week.

Happy parenting!

Cynthia

Cynthia is available for private coaching sessions, so you can quickly get the answers you need and make those much-needed changes right away. Click HERE for a complimentary 45-minute Fast-Track Clarity Session to learn what you can do now to create more harmony in your home.

Learn about how you can solve your parenting challenges at your own pace with the Win, Win, Win Parenting Program.