“Why did you hit your brother?” “Well, Mom, I’m feeling jealous that you spend so much time with him since he was born. I feel neglected and I resent you so I take out my hurt feelings on him. I’d be happier if you didn’t have him. Aren’t I enough?” Have you ever received a…
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Let’s say you gave unwanted advice to your child about homework and your child responded with hurtful comments like “I hate you. Why are you so mean? Leave me alone. I didn’t ask for your help. You don’t understand. I hate my life.” You realize you did a communication block of unwanted advice and you want…
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The core of many family problems I hear about is the inability to listen openly to a suffering child without trying to eliminate their pain in some way. Instead of making a child feel better, your loving “help” can have the opposite effect. Your attempts at fixing can make them feel undervalued, unimportant, and unsupported;…
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Parents rarely try to shut down their kids. We want them to talk with us. Often, when our words and attitudes break down communication and everyone becomes upset, we are confused. What happened? Our words, without our awareness, suddenly felt hurtful to our kids, and they either got very angry with us or stopped talking.…
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I was coaching a single dad with his 11 year-old son on how to build connection. They were going to have fun time and we were in a situation without any games available. The computer and phone were available yet electronics can stifle the creative juices and laughter from flowing between parent and child. Movement…
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By working with Cynthia privately, I have discovered that creating a stronger connection with my kids is the foundation for all positive changes in the family. I am divorced with a 10 year-old daughter and a 12 year-old son. There is conflict with their father which makes discipline more difficult. I had developed a habit…
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As a director, you set up structure to guide your children to fulfill their responsibilities when they don’t want to. Even after problem solving together, they may ignore you or resist your reminders. This is the time to use an effective director strategy. The after-then or work-before-play strategy is one of my favorites because it…
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The Collaborator Parenting Role: Visiting Grandma versus the Movies Conflict Example Parents and children commonly experience conflicts on how to spend the weekends. As kids mature, they want more time with friends than with the family. When they are young, your parenting role is more often as a director where you decide what to do.…
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Hi Cynthia, I attended your talk about how to encourage your kids to do what you need them to do and I tried it out today. I spent 6 minutes this morning with my older son and we just did what he wanted to do. With that quality time, it was amazing how it transformed…
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There are three different roles that parents can take with their children. They can be a director, a collaborator, or a supporter. The role they take depends on who is trying to fill their need or request. When parents want their children to do something that their children don’t want to do, then, the parent…
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