I have a 15 year-old daughter who gets mad at me when I try to help her. I discovered from working with Cynthia that my “help” wasn’t helpful. I picked her up from school one day and she was very upset because she was not able to finish her Chemistry homework despite the help of her tutor. This is how our interaction would have gone before learning better communication skills.
Daughter: I didn’t even finish my Chemistry homework with the tutor and I won’t be able to finish by myself. I’m not doing well at all.
Me: You could get more help from your tutor.
Daughter: That’s not going to help at all. I’m just stupid. Life is horrible. You’re no help.
Me: No, you’re very smart, this is just a hard class and you should go see the teacher again.
Daughter: You don’t understand.
It always ended up with her upset with me. I felt bad that she was struggling and I felt partially responsible for her problem so I thought I needed to fix it. After working with Cynthia one time, I learned that all she needed from me was for me to first be a good listener. She needed to vent her feelings and I needed to work on not feeling so responsible for her pain. This is how my interaction with her actually went when I didn’t tell her what to do.
Daughter: I didn’t even finish my Chemistry homework with the tutor and I won’t be able to finish by myself. I’m not doing well at all.
Me: Silence. I said nothing.
Daughter: It just doesn’t matter. Now I don’t have enough time to get ready for diving.
Me: Silence
Daughter: I’m not going to pass the test, I can’t do the homework and I don’t have time or ability to even do the homework.
The entire time I said nothing because the first step I learned was to not block communication. I’ll be working next on how to respond with empathy so we feel more connected. She never got angry at me. When we got home, she shared more with her mom and then she was ok. What a difference just listening made.
Getting over the instinct that I need to say something to “fix it” helped me to avoid escalating the situation. It’s great to know that one change can have a tremendous positive change in our communication and connection. I look forward to learning more from Cynthia.
How is your communication with your teenager? Does she tell you that you don’t understand? Do you feel confused as to what to say to get a positive response?
To learn better communication and relationship skills with your teenager, contact me, Cynthia Klein at 650.679,8138, cynthia@bridges2understanding, or visit my website at bridges2understa.wpstagecoach.com.
