My articles are full of pieces of parenting advice. I say “pieces” because solving parenting challenges involves more than one “quick tip”. The solution-finding process is like a puzzle with a framework, the border pieces, that give structure to the process.
The structure I provide is the Family Harmony Formula. What you’ll find is that the more you use the 7 steps, the more they will become a natural part of confronting and solving family problems.
The 7 Family Harmony Formula steps are:
- Choose the correct parenting role: Director, Collaborator, or Supporter
- Understand the goals of your child’s behavior. Belonging, Power, Protection, Withdrawal, Challenge
- Discover your ineffective thoughts that are causing ineffective actions
- Replace with effective thoughts
- Determine what communication blocks you are using.
- Learn how to respond with empathetic phrases to open up dialogue
- Put it all together and choose effective strategies.
Ben, the father of a teenager, contacted me after my March 24th email titled I Learned that Threats Don’t Work With Jen. In this email, I shared my experience in using a threat and how using the “One Word” strategy worked much better.
Here is what Ben wrote to me.
“A quick note to express my gratitude for this post. I have been reading “Punished by Rewards” by Alfie Kohn and while it has been resonating with me, I have been struggling to see how to apply the guidance in that book to my two teenagers while still maintaining what I feel are appropriate boundaries. I will try this suggestion.”
I was elated to hear how I inspired Ben and that he was reading Punished by Rewards which is a study-saturated book that shows how using punishments and rewards is detrimental to children. As Ben expressed, reading theory and putting it into practice are two different animals. My approach is all about how to put discipline, rather than punishment into day-to-day practice with positive results.
Ben has determined that he needs to be in the Director Role and set clear expectations with his teenagers. (Step 1 and I agree.) While reading Punished by Rewards, he is working on steps 3 and 4. He’s analyzing his current thoughts which apparently aren’t getting him the results he wants. Then he’s learning new thoughts to replace them. Bravo to him.
Any new actions won’t be effective long-term if your thoughts and beliefs don’t also change and are in alignment with the new strategy. Ben isn’t looking for a quick-fix action. He’s learning the philosophy behind discipline so that he’ll know why the “One Word” approach works so he can repeat it successfully.
Often when teens have responded negatively in the past to a simple request, parents expect this negative response to continue. It can get to the point that parents give up trying to get their teens to cooperate. They say, “It isn’t worth the hassle and the negativity. I’ll just do it myself.”
Does this sound like you? Have you given up trying to get teens to do some minimal chores around the house?
Hope is here!
Ben tried the One Word strategy with great results. Here is the exciting email he sent to me to report his success.
It totally worked! Yesterday evening my 17yo daughter declared she wouldn’t do her weekly chore of putting the trash out by the curb because she was too tired. I acknowledged with an empathetic “mmm” to indicate I understood she was tired. As I was heading to bed later that evening, I walked by her closed bedroom door and said, “Trash!” and walked away. 15 minutes later she took the trash out.
I would add that prior to me saying “Trash” I brought her dinner and helped her close up shop at her after-school job earlier that day. The point is that I doubt “trash” would have worked without first letting her know I cared enough to spend time with her on her terms.
Isn’t this fantastic! I love his insight about the importance of spending time with his daughter earlier as a key part of her wanting to comply with his request.
The relationship matters! When you try to control kids, you don’t think about the relationship. They feel your lack of focus on the connection, and they then feel hurt and want to hurt you in return. It becomes a vicious circle.
So, working on the relationship goes hand-in-hand with learning new Director Role strategies. That’s why I say that a quick fix doesn’t work.
Let’s review what Ben did in regard to the 7-step Family Harmony Formula.
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- Choose the correct parenting role: Director, Collaborator, or Supporter
- He chose the Director
- Understand the goals of your child’s behavior. Belonging, Power, Protection, Withdrawal, Challenge
- Skipped this step and that was ok.
- Discover your ineffective thoughts that are causing ineffective actions
- Did this
- Replace with effective thoughts
- Did this.
- Determine what communication blocks you are using.
- He had learned not to block.
- Learn how to respond with empathetic phrases to open up the dialogue
- He used the empathetic phrase “mmm” to acknowledge she was tired.
- Put it all together and choose effective strategies.
- After reading my email, he used the One Word strategy and his daughter took out the trash.
- Choose the correct parenting role: Director, Collaborator, or Supporter
Just like Ben, you too can learn how to build a strong relationship that will allow you to use respectful director statements successfully. Nothing is 100% however knowing why the problem is happening and a set format for finding solutions will give you confidence that positive change can happen.
I want to congratulate Ben again for his success and thank you for allowing me to share your challenge so other parents can be inspired.
Happy Parenting!
Cynthia
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