“At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled….we are thinking in a way that makes it unlikely to be met.”
Marshall B. Rosenberg. Ph.D.
In a previous post, Find Out What’s Triggering Your Parental Anger, I shared common parental thoughts that can lead to feelings of hurt and frustration that then leads to anger. In order to change this cycle, we need to understand what we are thinking, then with great determination, choose another thought pattern. We have to be willing to let go of our anger. We have to come to the point of realizing that anger usually builds walls between people. We have to let go of feeling we are right and our kids are wrong.
Here are some alternative explanations and replacement thoughts that you can choose instead of your current thoughts that are leading you to anger. You probably have your own as well.
Developmentally appropriate behavior
Has needs and is trying to cope
Reinforced behavior from the past
- “I’m overly upset because it is reminding me of my childhood”
- “It’s just a phase and natural for his/her age.”
- “I need to get control of myself.”
- “Don’t take it seriously. Keep a sense of humor.”
- “I think my child is acting like me. I need to change myself first.”
- “He/she isn’t really trying to do this to me. He/she is just trying to cope.”
- “I need to find a more effective way to build cooperation rather than trying to control my child through anger and threats.”
- “My child has to release hurt feelings before able to be cooperative and flexible.”
- “My child is uncooperative for some reason that I need to find out.”
Are you willing to embrace any of these replacement thoughts so you can change your anger cycle? Do you do something else to defuse your anger with your kids?
©2013 Cynthia Klein has been a Certified Parent Educator since 1994. She works with dads, moms and organizations who want more cooperation, mutual respect and understanding between adults and children of all ages. Cynthia presents her expertise through speaking, webinars, and private parent coaching sessions. She is a member of the National Speakers Association and writes the Middle School Mom column for the magazine Parenting on the Peninsula. Contact Cynthia at bridges 2 understanding, bridges2understa.wpstagecoach.com or call 650. 341.0779.