This is the role-play skit that Parenting Expert Cynthia Klein did with podcaster Sarah Baker of Momma Stories Podcast Posted May 15, 2020.
Below are 3 role-plays to illustrate how an adult’s response to a child expressing their struggles can either block or open up communication.
An adult uses the Supporter Role when the child decides on the solution to their challenge.
Step 1: Stop blocking communication
Step 2: Listen openly
Step 3: Discuss ideas and child chooses
Step 4: Check-in
In this blog post:
Roleplay#1 illustrates several communication blocks, especially placating.
Roleplay #2 explains why the adult’s responses are blocks.
Roleplay #3 shows how an adult could respond with empathy to keep communication open with the child feeling heard and supported.
#1 Role play: Blocking Communication
Child: I want to see my friends. I’m so tired of being home. I’m missing the field trip, too. I will never go on it.
Adult: I know this is hard, but we need to make the best of it.
Child: You don’t understand. You never had this happen to you.
Adult: No, I didn’t have this happen to me. It hasn’t been too bad, has it? We’ve had some fun, too.
Child: You never listen to me. When is this going to be over?
Adult: I know it’s hard for you. Let’s think of how you can gather your friends together over Zoom.
Child: I don’t want to do it over Zoom. I miss seeing my friends.
Adult: I’m just trying to help.
Child: I don’t want your help.
#2 Role play – Explanation of communication blocks used in this role play.
Child: I want to see my friends. I’m so tired of being home. I’m missing the field trip, too. I will never go on it. (Child is in an emotional state where the limbic system is firing, and logical thinking is reduced.)
Adult: I know this is hard, but we need to make the best of it. (The adult is trying to be empathetic. “I” know” is the block “know-it-all”. Adding “but” takes away any attempt of empathy before. Then the adult ”moralizes” and “gives advice”.)
Child: You don’t understand. You never had this happen to you.
Adult: No, I didn’t have this happen to me. It hasn’t been too bad, has it? We’ve had some fun, too. (It’s good for the adult to admit they don’t know. Adult finds it hard to hear child suffering so resorts to the block of “placating”. )
Child: You never listen to me. When is this going to be over?
Adult: I am listening to you. Let’s think of how you can gather your friends together over Zoom. (The adult may feel defensive, now especially since the child uses the word “never” which is magnification and isn’t true in the adult’s mind. Apparently the child doesn’t feel heard because of the blocks being used. Don’t defend yourself. The adult is also using the block “Giving advice.” )
Child: I don’t want to do it over Zoom. I miss seeing my friends. (Even though the child may love the adult’s idea, they are too hurt to consider it logically. Too charged in the limbic system, still.)
Adult: I’m just trying to help. (Now the parent feels frustrated, helpless, and unappreciated so the wall goes up between them.)
Child: I don’t want your help. (Everyone feels hurt at this point and misunderstood.)
#3 Role play – Using empathetic phrases instead of communication blocks to build connection and support.
Child: I want to see my friends. I’m so tired of being home. I’m missing the field trip, too. I will never go on it.
Adult: These times are really hard. (thinker) or You seem pretty upset about what you can’t do. (feeler)(Adult giving child space to vent.)
Child: Yes. It’s awful and it isn’t fair. Then I have to wear a mask, too.
Adult: It is awful. (A neutral empathetic phrase. You are not trying to change child’s feelings.)
Child: (Child trusts the parent now because they have been listened to in a way that feels supportive. The child may cry, want a hug. Etc. which you will give. Your job is NOT to fix or take away the feelings.)
Adult: (You could say,) “We’ll get through this together.”
After the child has released some emotions, you have 2 options.
Option 1: say more empathetic phrases depending on what the child says.
- You were so looking forward to going on the field trip.
- It’s hard wearing a mask. ….uncomfortable to breath, hard to fit right
Stay with your child until emotions are gone, then leave when child seems better or ask if the child could help you with something so they stay connected to you. “Would you like to…. )
Adult: option 2 – Moving on to Supporter Role step #3: Problem solving.
Adult: There are many challenges right now. Would you like to talk about ideas of what to do?
Child: OK. I just wish it wasn’t so hard right now. (or child might say) I’m okay now.
Adult: Me, too. You mentioned friends, the field trip, and masks. Do you want to talk more about any of these?
Child: I guess we could talk about friends.
Adult: Ok. Any friends in particular?
For more information about The Supporter Role and communication blocks go to Cynthia’ss website, www.bridges2understanding.com, or purchase her book, Ally Parenting: A Non-Adversarial Approach to Transform Conflict Into Cooperation on Amazon
Copyright 2020 by Cynthia Klein
