Do you ever say to your kids, “You make me so mad I could scream” ? You probably are just about to lose it, yet who “made” you mad? When we say this, we are actually giving power of our emotions over to our kids. In reality, what they are doing or saying is triggering your thoughts that are then triggering your emotions.
Before you can stop getting angry on a consistent basis, it’s important to figure out what inner thoughts are triggering feelings of anger. How many of these triggers do you experience? Can you add more of your own?
Parental Anger Triggers
Assumed Intent
- “You’re doing this to annoy me.”
- “You’re defying me.”
- “You’re trying to drive me crazy.”
- “You’re trying to test me.”
- “You’re tuning me out intentionally.”
- “You’re taking advantage of me.”
- “You’re doing this deliberately (to get back at me.)”
Magnification
- “I can’t stand it.”
- “This behavior is intolerable.”
- “You never listen.”
- “You’re trying to test me.”
- “How dare you (talk to me that way, etc.)”
- “You turn everything into a (power struggle, etc.)”Labeling
Labeling
- “You’re getting out of control.”
- “This is manipulation.”
- “You’re so (stubborn, lazy, inconsiderate, etc.)”
- “You’re deliberately being (mean, lazy, careless, etc.)”
- “You don’t care what happens, how I feel, etc. )”
Once you realize how you are thinking about your child, then you can actually choose to think differently. This takes your willingness to think flexibly; a willingness to let go of thinking you are right and your child is wrong. Once you can make this leap, then you will experience greater love and joy towards your children.
Watch for my next article on replacement thoughts you can use to reduce your surging emotions before they explode.
Source: When Anger Hurts Your Kids by McKay et al is an amazing about parental anger.
©2013 Cynthia Klein has been a Certified Parent Educator since 1994. She works with dads, moms and organizations who want more cooperation, mutual respect and understanding between adults and children of all ages. Cynthia presents her expertise through speaking, webinars, and private parent coaching sessions. She is a member of the National Speakers Association and writes the Middle School Mom column for the magazine Parenting on the Peninsula. Contact Cynthia at bridges 2 understanding, bridges2understa.wpstagecoach.com or call 650. 341.0779.
