Giving Directions Isn’t Always the Best Way to Get Kids to Cooperate

Getting kids to cooperate isn’t always about giving directions sometimes, it’s about sharing control.

Why Kids Resist Directions and Struggle to Cooperate

Stop telling me what to do!

Do you ever hear this from your children? If you have an outspoken, strong-willed child, then you probably do.

A mom who attended a recent workshop shared that she hears this from her son often. For example, when he hears “No” after asking to eat in the living room, he often gets upset. (Does this sound familiar?)

She thought she was being empathetic and would win cooperation when she said, “I understand you want to eat in the living room but we can’t.” It turns out that he was so upset with not being able to discuss where to eat, that she later found crushed potato chips all over the living room floor!

Why Giving Directions Doesn’t Always Help Kids Cooperate

Stating a clear rule seems the logical and most effective way to make sure kids behave. Notice the Think-Feel-Do diagram where the parent’s “Do” is directly trying to impact the child’s “Do.” This belief of needing to control behavior is very common and can lead to problems in the parent-child relationship.

In this scenario, the mom is trying to control her son’s behavior. With many children, this works, but it often doesn’t work with strong-willed children who don’t feel they have any power.

How Collaboration Helps Kids Cooperate Better

You can tell he doesn’t feel he has enough power from the complaint, ”You’re always telling me what to do!” If you hear this from your children, I suggest that you DON’T ignore their feelings. Instead, take time to think about how often you give directions compared to how often you collaborate with them or support their decision-making process.

The mom considered this question and realized that instead of telling her son where he couldn’t eat, she could have responded with, “Let’s figure out the best place to eat since the kitchen is being cleaned and we can’t eat there.”  Shifting the power from her telling her son what to do to solve it together would have given him power. At least in the discussion, she could have brought up her reasons for not wanting food in the living room. This was a lightbulb moment!

Children love having the power to express themselves and use their prefrontal cortex to come up with solutions. Too many parents think that children aren’t capable of complex problem-solving.

Far from it!

Balancing power gives children the much-needed time to develop their prefrontal cortex through thinking exercises. Try it. Your children will love to be valued for their input.

Conclusion

When you shift from giving directions to encouraging collaboration, you create an environment where kids cooperate more naturally. Empowering children to think and contribute not only improves behavior but also strengthens your relationship.

Happy parenting!

Cynthia

Cynthia is available for private coaching sessions, so you can quickly get the answers you need and make those much-needed changes right away. Click HERE for a complimentary 45-minute Fast-Track Clarity Session to learn what you can do now to create more harmony in your home.

Learn about how you can solve your parenting challenges at your own pace with the Win, Win, Win Parenting Program.