How Couples with Children Can Overcome Challenges and Build a Strong Foundation

The Realities of Parenting as a Couple

I’ve been thinking about all of the parenting challenges that couples confront on a daily basis. Wow! Some of you have a partner who wants to learn new parenting skills with you, and some do not. In fact, there seems to still be a stigma around men, in particular, seeking advice.

I love coaching men, as the dads I’ve worked with know. You are respected, and your role in your children’s lives is deeply important. So, I want to help you get through the male training that can make it difficult to connect with children and guide them as an ally rather than as an adversary.

Why the Couple Relationship Comes First

The couple’s relationship is the foundation. Children are an “extra.” Creating a supportive and loving partnership is difficult. It’s like putting together a puzzle with missing and misshaped pieces and no clear image of the finished picture.

Chances are your partnership started with love…… and then, in the process of trying to fit the misshaped pieces together, you also experience:

 

• frustration
• uncertainty
• big emotions
• judgment
• criticism
• defensiveness
• accusations
• fear and much more……..

I know. I have been married for over 35 years.

Then, you add in children, and BOOM! You now have countless decisions to make that you don’t agree on. You both come from your own past experiences full of expectations of yourself and your partner as parents.

Your relationship is like the border of the puzzle, which needs to be put in place first. When the border has bent or missing pieces, the picture can’t be complete until these pieces are fixed and found.

Your children and the interactions with them are like the pieces in the middle. Your solid framework, or border, gives them security to struggle and grow, which is their job.

Learning From Other Couples’ Success

While coaching many couples, I have helped them grapple with and find solutions together to 3 main conflict areas so they can build a strong border. I believe you will gain wisdom and encouragement from their success stories.

Welcome to Part 2 of the Couples Uniting Together Series.

How to create unity to solve a challenge together

Before you can successfully apply my advice on what to do and what to say during each challenge, it’s crucial to learn how to gain unity in your approach. 

Since you come from different backgrounds, you will approach problem-solving differently. Therefore, the first hurdle is to agree on a system for deciding what your approach will be. 

Rather than deciding which one of you is right or which one of you is wrong, try my approach for a period of several months. Instead of judging each other, just think, “What would Cynthia recommend saying or doing at this time?” 

My advice is based on 30 years of parenting experience, coaching hundreds of couples and hearing their experiences. I realize that children are different and will respond differently as well. It’s helpful to jot down what works and what doesn’t work for each situation.

The Three Parenting Roles Explained

Whenever I coach parents, the first step is to decide who is responsible for solving the problem. Is it the parents, the parents and children together, or the child’s responsibility? You have probably never thought of problems in this clear way. 

When kids are young, you make all of the decisions. Then, as they mature, it’s very important to learn how to give them many opportunities to develop their logical brains by discussing issues and coming up with solutions together.

And, just as important, is knowing when the child should solve the challenge with your support only, not your advice. Even a 4-year-old should solve their problem of tying their shoes after they have been taught the skill. If you say, “I’ll do it for you.” then they lose confidence in their abilities and will be less likely to try again in the future.

These 3 Parenting Roles are called being a Director, Collaborator, or Supporter.

1. The Director Role – This is when you clearly state to your children, “I’m going to make the decision or rule on this.” 
2. The Collaborator Role – This is when the challenge or decision is something that is important for parents and children to discuss together and come up with a plan. 
3. The Supporter Role – This is when the challenge primarily impacts the child and only secondarily affects you

Here’s a couple’s success story of how choosing the best role increased their unity and success.

Case Study: How One Couple Strengthened Their Parenting Unity

Marc and Julie had a conflict about how to get their 3 kids to obey. Once they learned about balancing the 3 parenting roles, they realized that 75% of the time they were trying to have power over their kids. (The Director Role). So instead, they started having more conversations in the Collaborator Role.  Marc and Julie stopped being referees and started teaching their children how to think about their conflicts and find solutions together. The couple is much happier and more successful having the 3 Parenting Roles Concept as a starting point for solving family challenges with a unified approach. 

Welcome to Part 3 of the Couples Uniting Together Series

I have heard many stories of one partner observing the other getting upset with a child and reacting in a hurtful way. Maybe your partner is scolding, blaming, yelling, accusing, shaming, etc. If you are the calmer parent, you may get upset with this behavior and feel a need to jump in and rescue the injured child. 

In Part 3 of the Couples Uniting Together Series, the challenge we’ll explore is the ineffectiveness of reacting to a situation rather than proactively planning what your response will be. 

When you haven’t discussed how to handle a child when they are misbehaving, then you may react emotionally and try to change the child in the middle of the “bad” behavior. Your partner may either join in with your unplanned response, criticize you at the time, or be on the child’s side against you. In the end, everyone feels bad and nothing positive has been learned about how to handle the situation next time. 

When being reactive, not only are you ineffective in changing the unwanted behavior, but your partner relationship has been strained as well.

How Coaching Helps Identify Root Causes

Private coaching gives you time to discuss recurring problems and discover what is causing the problem. One question we ask is, “What goal is your child trying to achieve?” The 5 possible goals are: 1. belonging, 2. power, 3. protection, 4. withdrawal, and 5. challenge.

A second very important question to discuss is, “ How are you responding that keeps the problem going?” 

Once we understand the causes of the problem, I can suggest strategies for you to try that have worked with other families or a unique solution just for your family.  

Here is an inspirational dad’s story of a couple I coached who made impressive changes.

Family Harmony from a Unified Parenting Plan

My wife and I contacted Cynthia for three reasons. 1. How to deal with our very physical son, 2. we wanted to come together more on our parenting approach, and 3. the fighting between our two sons.

Over two months, we have made great progress. With Cynthia’s advice, our parenting approach is more cohesive as we talk about and work out challenges together. We always leave our sessions with a plan on what to work on. My wife sees it like working on a whole movie by working on snapshots of what’s happening in the moment. Changing each moment is how the entire movie is changing.

We see more clearly our shortcomings and how to compensate for each other. We’ve been working more as a team as we support each other’s attempts at change rather than criticizing each other. I’ve been working on what to specifically say when each recurring problem arises, such as jumping on the coach.

We’re having more family discussions about issues and setting guidelines rather than responding emotionally in the moment and trying to stop “bad” behavior. Learning how to proactively plan ways to redirect potential problems is becoming our key focus. We greatly value the time we spend with Cynthia because of her great understanding, knowledge, and encouragement. Our family has less conflict and more harmony as we practice the skills she is teaching us.

– Randy and Karla

Welcome to Part 4 – Understanding each others triggers leads to unity

We are emotional beings. The limbic system (emotional brain) is developed before the logical brain. In fact, babies only react to life through emotions. The logical brain (prefrontal cortex) doesn’t start developing until around age 2. Isn’t that amazing! And, full logical development doesn’t happen until around age 25. 

Considering this developmental process, you can see how important it is to learn how to handle your children’s and your own emotions in order to not be so reactive. Most parents struggle parenting effectively because they get emotionally triggered and lose it. 

How we think about our children’s actions determines whether we get upset with them or not. You may think judgmentally about them which turns into feelings of disappointment, hurt, rejection, disrespect, etc. Then you get triggered with, “They should or shouldn’t…” “Why do I have to ….?” “They are so….” 

Transformation Through Self-Awareness

STORY: A couple who received coaching from me, wanted to change the negative feelings they had about themselves and their children. Here is their transformational story reported to me of how they worked together to create greater joy and harmony in their home. 

When my husband and I started working with Cynthia, I was feeling frustrated, hopeless, out of control, and judged.

I wanted to have more positive relationships with my children and spouse and for my son to be more responsible and handle his emotions in a more mature fashion.

After working with Cynthia, I was able to help my son manage his emotions by managing my own thoughts and actions.  As a result, I responded more often with compassion rather than anger.  

I now think about the present moment and how to build connections.  I now see “bad” behavior as a problem to solve together. Finally, we’ve started having family meetings with great success, so we’ll continue doing them.

Because my husband also received coaching from Cynthia, he is now open to finding a marriage therapist, which I have wanted to do for several years.

His trust in Cynthia has increased his trust in getting help from professionals. Thank you so much, Cynthia.

– Parents of a 10 and 12 year-old. 

Welcome to Part 5  – 20 reasons not to get parenting coaching

I’ve heard many reasons why parents don’t get parenting advice unique to their situation. Imagine, having an expert, such as me, listen to your situation, discuss the current strategies used, and your values, and then confidently say, “Try this.” 

What a relief. The jumbled thoughts in your head of “What should I do?” are suddenly gone. There is now a clear path to follow. 

You may be reluctant, or perhaps your partner is reluctant, to get advice. Here are 20 “reasons” why you might be staying stuck in your ineffective parent-child patterns and avoiding help.

20 “reasons” why you might be staying stuck

1. I’ve tried everything already, and nothing works.
2. How can I trust someone to give me good advice?
3. I don’t want to share our problems.
4. I’m embarrassed that this problem has been going on for years.
5. The kids will grow out of it.
6. Why change how I was raised? I turned out fine.
7. I’ve read tons of books and attended classes already.
8. Don’t have the time to meet with someone.
9. I don’t have the money.
10. Things aren’t that bad.
11. The way I’m parenting now is just fine. 
12. The kids need to change. Not me.
13. My parents didn’t have parent coaching. Why should I?
14. I don’t need help. Nothing is wrong with me.
15. KIds are supposed to just play and not help. 
16. I’m not going to learn this new way of parenting which will make the kids worse.
17. My partner isn’t willing to change.
18. The kids will be leaving home soon.
19. I was rude to my parents, too. It’s expected.
20. My parents will object to a new way of parenting 

And many more. 

In many areas of life, we resist getting personalized help that will expedite the change process tremendously. We tell ourselves “stories” that hold us back. 

Taking the First Step Toward Change

Before you and your partner can get help, I encourage you to look at this list and recognize what your reasons are for not taking the first step of talking to me. You could even respond to this email and give me the numbers of your resistance to moving forward.

Your family can be much happier. You just haven’t “seen the light”  because you are only looking at the problem in the dark of your limited perspective.

You don’t have to take it from me. Here’s a story from Chris and Andrea. Parents of an 11 and 13-year-old. 

Chris and Andrea’s Story

Hi Cynthia!

I just wanted to thank you for helping Chris and me communicate better with our kids.  Instead of nagging them over and over, we have found better ways to communicate more effectively to get cooperation.

There’s a lot less raising of voices around the house, which has made for much more pleasant interactions.

We have also implemented family meetings and our children feel more connected at home and they are slowly learning the importance of their role in contributing to the household.  

We especially appreciate the time you take to offer suggestions to the different situations that we email to you.  After reflecting on those interactions, I realize that several situations repeat themselves and if I am conscious and not escalating the situation, we can get more cooperation from our son. 

Thank you, again, for a great three months of learning!  

Happy parenting!

Cynthia

Check out the classes page for information about my free bonus classes for parents of children ages 9 to 15 years old.  

Cynthia is available for private coaching sessions, so you can quickly get the answers you need and make those much-needed changes right away. Click HERE for a complimentary 45-minute Fast-Track Clarity Session to learn what you can do now to create more harmony in your home.

Learn about how you can solve your parenting challenges at your own pace with the Win, Win, Win Parenting Program.