Less Rebellion, More Cooperation: Collaborate, Don’t Dictate!

The Power of Collaborative Discussions

Learning how to have collaborative discussions in your family is crucial to teaching your children responsibility, how to be flexible, and how to share their ideas and listen to others amongst other important life skills.  It is often challenging to understand when it’s appropriate to discuss and plan together, when you need to set the rules, or when it’s important to say, “You make the decision. I’ll support you.” 

Identifying Opportunities for Collaboration

You collaborate when the parent and child both want to solve the problem. Here’s where it gets tricky, however. For example, collaborating on chore responsibilities is important but children don’t see chores as a problem. They don’t want to do chores. So I expand the criteria for collaborating to situations where the outcome directly impacts all people involved. 

Using “Future Thinking” to Build Buy-In

One way to help children see that it’s their problem too, is to talk with them and say “Imagine what it  would be like if no one washed the dishes?” “What would it be like if no one washed the bathroom?” “What would it be like if no one took the dog outside?” Do future thinking to help them see that they DO want many chores done, or get to school on time, or finish their homework (If they want to.) 

Help them see how the daily chores of cooking, putting away toys, and washing dishes are important to them by asking them “What if…. wasn’t done?”  You want children to think about the problem so they come to their conclusions of the importance of solving it rather than you telling them what would happen. Be careful of turning into a “bossy dictator” in their eyes which will turn them against you and cause rebellion. 

Handling Resistance with Empathy

If they say, “I don’t care” you could continue with, “Hmmm. I see” and try this approach again later. 

Just be careful during this “What if….” exercise not to get sarcastic and upset if they respond with  “I don’t care”. This negative response is a wall that can be gently worn down when you know how to listen empathetically.

Common Areas to Collaborate

Here are examples of times I suggest you collaborate first rather than being a dictator. It’s important to know that often after you collaborate you’ll need to use respectful reminders to ensure follow-through. It’s easier to make a plan than do a plan for most people. 

• Finding family activities where everyone participates
• Struggles with homework
• Resistance to going to after-school activities
• Siblings fighting
• Who is going to do what chores
• Nighttime routine
• Getting out of the house on time 
• How much money you will spend on them (You will state the final budget)
• Allowance

Why Emotional Connection Comes First

I teach a 5-Step Problem-Solving process. Steps 1 and 2 of the process show and tell children they are worthy of being heard and valued. Many discussion systems miss these two important steps of how to build emotional connection and respect between parents and children before they devise a plan. When you don’t connect emotionally first, your children won’t be invested in the plan and are less likely to follow the plan.

Many parents want to skip steps 1 and 2 and just, “get to the solution” with poor results. They ask, “What do you want to do?” and get an “I don’t know response.”This response means you have skipped steps 1, 2, and 3. If this sounds like you, join me in my class The Proven Path to Joyful Family Discussions the week of June 24 to learn the effective 5 – Step Problem-Solving process.  

Happy parenting!

Cynthia

Check out my new bonus parenting class, The Proven Path to Joyful Family Discussions, for parents of children 9 to 15 years old.  To find the date and time of the workshop, visit the classes page.

Cynthia is available for private coaching sessions, so you can quickly get the answers you need and make those much-needed changes right away. Click HERE for a complimentary 45-minute Fast-Track Clarity Session to learn what you can do now to create more harmony in your home.

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