I often hear parents complaining about children “manipulating” them.
This word puts kids instantly into a negative light. The definition of “manipulate” is to control or influence somebody or something in an ingenious or devious way.
Why do parents experience children’s strong attempts to get their needs met as devious?
Some parents believe that controlling the child is how to gain “good” behavior, and fear takes over when parental control is threatened.
The control model of parenting is based on breaking the child’s will. Since this model puts the child’s needs as secondary, the child’s attempts to emotionally sway an adult is declared as “devious” and “manipulative”.
The child is the problem in this instance because he or she isn’t going along with their perceived (and arguably accurately so) second class status.
Alfie Kohn in Unconditional Parenting, explores 5 parental fears behind the need to control children: parental Inadequacy, powerlessness, being judged, our children’s safety, and babying. (pgs. 108 – 116)
Parenting is an opportunity for personal growth. If you are accusing your children of manipulation, I encourage you to read Alfie Kohn’s book.
You can become your children’s ally and mentor for life when you let go of controlling them. Instead, set limits, expectations and boundaries with courage, compassion and unconditional love. This approach builds family trust, respect and cooperation.
Copyright © 2026, Cynthia Klein, All rights reserved. Please contact Cynthia to use any of her blog post.
About Cynthia Klein
Cynthia Klein’s mission is to contribute to World Peace and building healthy family relationships is the place to begin. As a parenting expert for over 30 years, parents have learned from Cynthia how to communicate more effectively as an ally rather than an adversary. Her unique Family Harmony System teaches parents of 5 and older how to have open dialogue, solve problems together, support one another, and build mutual respect. Cynthia is the author of Ally Parenting and the video-based self-paced program Win, Win, Win, Parenting. She has presented over 700 talks and coached hundreds of parents privately towards greater family connection and harmony. To learn more about her services of coaching and speaking, contact Cynthia Klein at , visit her website at bridges2understanding.com.
