Parents can have a hard time speaking with authority to their children without raising their voice or using threats. Actually, you lose the status of authority when you resort to these powerless tactics.
When Jen was growing up, I had an unchanged policy that I would not buy popcorn or drinks at the movies. Nor would I buy candy at the store. I never waivered and so she didn’t ask. I never thought, “Well, maybe just this time I’ll buy popcorn. It’s a special day; her friend is with her, etc.” I never changed my position that I would not spend an outrageous amount of money on junk food.
This was my position of authority and Jen respected it. She knew my decision was based on my values. My authority was not based on a whim so it was not going to change. She didn’t whine about it nor did she have a scene at the store because she wanted something. If I bought her clothing she really wanted at the store, she thanked me gratefully. She didn’t feel entitled.
I encourage you to be clear on your values and base your decisions on them. Children respect this strength and they need to hear and see it in you. Look at them directly when you state your expectation or limit with a calm voice. Repeat it if necessary without raising your voice. In fact, becoming even softer with fewer words can be more effective. Self-control is an essential skill for children to learn. When you set your limits, they learn to delay gratification and control themselves.
If you want to get a clear picture of how you are doing and what areas you need work on, I encourage you to take my Parenting Breakthrough Assessment. This includes two private coaching sessions with me and invaluable Parenting Breakthrough Learning Materials to get you going in the right direction.
©2013 Cynthia Klein, Bridges 2 Understanding, has been a Certified Parent Educator since 1994. She works with parents and organizations who want more cooperation, mutual respect and understanding between adults and children of all ages. Cynthia presents her expertise through speaking and private parenting coaching sessions. She is a member of the National Speakers Association and writes the Middle School Mom column for the Parenting on the Peninsula magazine. She works with parents of 4 – 25 year-old children. Contact Cynthia at bridges2understa.wpstagecoach.com, cynthia@bridges2understanding,com, or 650. 679.8138 to learn more about creating the relationship you want with your children.
