Breaking Connection: Many of these beliefs are inbred in culture. They do not lead to connection and closeness in families. Which do you want to work on discarding?
- I am uncomfortable looking at my own shortcomings or asking for support from others.
- Children are bad and need to be”taught” how to be good. They act badly because they are trying to get back at or manipulate their parents.
- My children are valuable and lovable if they behave or achieve my goals for them.
- I know what is best for my child so he/she will be successful in the future.
- I can’t trust family members to solve their own problems without giving them advice, interrogating, commanding or making them feel incapable.
- Making mistakes and failing causes suffering and says we are not “good enough.”
- It is helpful to get angry at children so they learn that their behavior is wrong. They learn from feeling bad about themselves.
- Punishment, such as time out, separates children and makes them think about what they have done wrong.
- My children need to live up to my expectations of them without questioning and disagreeing with me. My goals are more important than theirs.
- When children start to get out of control, I need to put more controls on them.
These beliefs usually lead to forms of punishment such as bribing, taking things away, yelling, shaming, blaming, giving rewards. We do have the ability to chose other beliefs. Read my blog Attitudes and Actions that Break Connection Part 2 for more often hurtful beliefs. You can also find alternative thoughts and beliefs that build connection on my two blogs on Thoughts and Beliefs that Build Connection.
©2013 Cynthia Klein has been a Certified Parent Educator since 1994. She works with dads, moms and organizations who want more cooperation, mutual respect and understanding between adults and children of all ages. Cynthia presents her expertise through speaking, webinars, and private parent coaching sessions. She is a member of the National Speakers Association and writes the Middle School Mom column for the magazine Parenting on the Peninsula. Contact Cynthia at bridges 2 understanding, bridges2understa.wpstagecoach.com or call 650. 341.0779.