Michael Riera has amazing knowledge about teenagers. I highly recommend his book Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers. Here is part 1 of 2 parts of a brief summary of his book.
From Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers by Michael Riera, Ph.D
Writer and psychologist Theodore Lidz, gives a well-rounded description of the adolescent stage of life:
(Adolescence) is a time of physical and emotional metamorphosis during which the youth feels estranged from the self the child had known. It is a time of seeking; a seeking inward to find who one is; a searching outward to locate one’s place in life; a longing for another with whom to satisfy cravings for intimacy and fulfillment. It is a time of turbulent awakening to love and beauty but also of days darkened by loneliness and despair. It is a time of carefree wandering of the spirit through realms of fantasy and in pursuit of idealistic visions, but also of disillusionment and disgust with the world and the self. It can be a time of adventure with wonderful episodes of reckless folly but also of shame and regret that linger. The adolescent lives with a vibrant sensitivity that carries to ecstatic heights and lowers to almost untenable depths.
Clearly teenagers see their parents as helpful and caring through childhood, and as intrusive, mistrustful and controlling in adolescence.
Without notification and without consensus, you are fired from the role of manager.
You must work your tail off to get hired as a consultant.
It is a pleasant surprise for most adolescents when they realize that if the role can shift form manager to consultant, they can have their cake and eat it too.
If their parents relinquish the role of manager, they can have increasing autonomy without abandonment; their parents can actually serve as very useful and important advisers.
As a consultant, you offer advice and give input about decisions when you are asked. Otherwise, you’ll lose your client.
A rule of thumb is not to take your teenager’s request for advice too literally until the third time.
Nobody wants a consultant who tries to take the business over.
What you are doing is not doing —- you are waiting, but not abandoning.
I strongly recommend this book. I’ll be teaching how to create a closer and more cooperative relationship with your teenager in my 7-week complete webinar series Is My Teen Crazy or Am I? Be the Anchor in Their Storm. The webinar starts on January 29, 2013. Go to my website to find out how you can truly change a challenging parent-teen relationship and actually like each other, most of the time!
Follow this link: https://bridges2understanding.com/hp/webinar-details.
©2013 Cynthia Klein has been a Certified Parent Educator since 1994. She works with dads, moms and organizations who want more cooperation, mutual respect and understanding between adults and children of all ages. Cynthia presents her expertise through speaking, webinars, and private parent coaching sessions. She is a member of the National Speakers Association and writes the Middle School Mom column for the magazine Parenting on the Peninsula. Contact Cynthia at bridges 2 understanding, bridges2understa.wpstagecoach.com or call 650. 341.0779.