Many parents grew up with adults shaming them in order to get their compliance. Therefore, shaming words feel very natural to use with their own children and are often not questioned as to their effectiveness nor impact on their children.
Rather than shaming, I reommend parents use the “just state the facts” strategy when giving directions to children. This approach doesn’t personally offend the child’s nature or have underlying messages of the child being incapable, bad, selfish, inconsiderate, etc. It simply states the facts.
Let’s first look at words that tend to shame a person. To shame means to make someone feel guilty, disgraced, unworthy or inferior. People use shaming words to make someone feel “bad” with the hope that this will make them act “good” in the eyes of the person shaming them. Psychology has proven that when people feel bad about themselves, however, they often act worse rather than better. You should…
You shouldn’t…
You better…
You ought to…
You’re supposed to…
You need to….
You can’t….
You will….
You have to…
I told you to…
Why didn’t/did you…
How many times…
You should have known….
When using the “just state the facts” approach, avoid starting with the word “you” for starters.
You will probably find that this is how you start most sentences when you are giving your child a direction. Such as, “You need to empty the dishwasher now.” Since “you need to” can trigger shameful feelings of being inadequate in the child, there is a greater chance of resistance, a power struggle, and negative words in return.
According to the situation, try these sentence starters instead. You will notice that there isn’t any blame or sense that the child is bad in these phrases.
It’s very important to….
It’s important not to…
It’s time to…
The chart says…
It’s (state the day) so that means it’s your turn to…
Check the chart to see whose turn it is to…
It’s helpful when…
As a reminder, it’s time to…
The situation calls for….
After you (work) then you can (play)
It would be helpful if you could…..
Our agreement is …..
Time is up.
Many of these phrases assume that the child knows the rules and expectations so make sure to clearly state them to the child and write them down. Here are some examples of how to use “just state the facts” phrases rather than shaming phrases.
It’s time to go to bed. (You have to go to bed.)
It’s important that the toys are picked up now. (I told you to pick up the toys.)
We agreed that you brush your teeth at 8 pm. (You better brush your teeth, now.)
Check the chart to see whose turn it is to walk the dog. (You should walk the dog now.)
Time is up. Turn in the cell phone. (You should know that you have to turn in the cell phone ay 10 pm.)
To use the Director Role more effectively, take time to evaluate the impact of your current words on your child. Check how often you are using the shaming words, then gradually reduce them by replacing them with “just state the facts” language instead. You will be amazed how much more cooperative your child will be when they are talked to with respect rather than accusatory shameful words.
Copyrigjht 2019 Cynthia Klein . Parenting Expert . Bridges 2 Understanding . Author of Ally Parenting: A Non-Adversarial Approach to Transform Conflict Into Cooperation.
