Stop these Common hurtful rule setting strategies to get better results

Why Punishment Doesn’t Work

Here’s the uncomfortable truth. Since the beginning of raising children, the punishment model has been the norm. 

Punishment strategies are based on controlling children through threats, intimidation, rewards, shaming, etc. In other words, trying to control them by judging them as being either good or bad. Worthy or unworthy. Lovable or unlovable. 

Yuck! These strategies don’t feel good. You may have been raised with the punishment approach. How did it feel to you? 

I know that you are looking for another option because you are reading this now. 

I appreciate so much that psychologists have been researching what makes children act the way they do and how to influence their behavior. Over 70 years, they’ve discovered that making kids feel bad doesn’t make them do better. 

However, the punishment model still continues. This approach may work with some kids temporarily, but it can damage the parent-child relationship and make kids feel bad about themselves. BTW, punishment NEVER works with strong-willed children who insist on being treated respectfully. 

The Impact on the Parent–Child Relationship

In our challenging time of kids receiving so much self-criticism from interacting with social media, whatever we can do to lessen our negative impact on our kids, the better. 

Your parenting is deeply influenced by the way you were raised. Please don’t blame yourself when those “unkind words” pop out of your mouth. Instead, make a determination to change. I’m here to guide you on this journey away from punishment to a disciplined approach with the goal of creating greater connection, cooperation, and collaboration in your family. 

Because rule and boundary setting are so important, I’m going to be talking about this topic for a while longer.  I’m confident that this is where YOU can make a BIG change in your behaviors AND help KIDS feel better about themselves.

What Punishment Really Is

As I defined earlier, punishment is a parenting philosophy that believes that by making children suffer either emotionally or physically for “bad” past behavior that they will be too afraid to do it again. 

Really? Does it work? Tell me what you think. 

Let’s take a minute to lessen any shame you may feel when you read the punishment list below. You are probably doing punishment because that has been the way humans have controlled each other FOREVER! 

Instead, try saying to yourself, “I don’t like doing punishment. I’m going to learn how to handle myself so I don’t get to the emotional point of using punishment. And, I will learn why punishment isn’t effective in long term and harms the parent-child relationship. 

Common Punishment Strategies That Harm Children

With the above in mind, let’s look at common punishment examples.(Some people call these discipline strategies, but they are NOT.)

These Cause Psychological and Physical Harm to Your Children

1. Yelling and blaming them.
2. Shaming with words such as, “You should have known”, “You are so sloppy”, “You don’t care about anyone but yourself.”
3. Taking away what they love if they don’t do what you say.
4. Belittling them by comparing them to another child.
5. Devising a “logical consequence” that causes them to suffer. (Even if they pick one.) 
6. Pulling away love by ignoring them or saying they are selfish, etc. if they disobey you. 
7. Starting a threat with “If you don’t…….then I will……..” 
8. Hitting with a brush. (I was so mad one time that I did this on my daughter’s bottom. She will never forget this.) 
9. Hitting with a belt or other item.
10. Hitting with your hand

Whew! I’m emotional just writing this list.  How is it for you as you read these strategies? How many are you using because you don’t know what else to do? How many were used on you?

When Punishment Is Reflected Back at You

Another important question. Are your children using punishment to get back at you? Are they threatening you with “If you don’t do … then I won’t… Are they hitting you, yelling at you, and calling you names? Hmmm Something to think about. 

Acknowledging and accepting your punishment strategies is the first step for change. This article is for those who want to change or are open to change.

If you are defending your punishment choices with excuses, I hope you keep reading.  My mission is to show you the alternative discipline path that will feel better to you and improve your parent-child relationship. Stay tuned. 

 

 

Adversarial vs Ally Parenting Beliefs

We all know that our actions start in our beliefs. So, it’s important to know what you believe now. 

When you have adversarial beliefs, you’re more likely to use punishment strategies.

When you have ally beliefs, you’re more likely to use discipline strategies.

Adversarial Beliefs That Lead to Punishment

Examples of Adversarial Beliefs That Often Lead to Using Punishment Strategies

• Parents are right all the time because they are adults, and children need to learn how to obey.  Whether parents and children feel connected isn’t important.
• The adult has the final word, and it doesn’t matter whether the child feels misunderstood, unheard, or unloved.
• When my child misbehaves, their behavior reflects on me and means that I’m not a good parent. (This usually leads to me feeling angry at my child for embarrassing me.)
• I need to repeatedly point out imperfections in my children so that they can change for the better.
• A “time out” makes children think about what they’ve done wrong. 

Ally Beliefs That Support Discipline

Examples of Ally Beliefs That Often Lead to Using Discipline Strategies

• My parenting actions are based on the belief that “I am emotionally and physically available” for my child as much as possible. Connection comes first.
• The relationship between me and my child is more important than being right all the time.
•  Listening to my child’s emotions with love and concern instead of disapproval and disinterest will build a strong bond of connection between us.
•  I believe in my children’s potential and joyfully encourage them, even when their capabilities seem to be hidden or dormant at that moment.
•  We’re creating a home that is an oasis of support, warmth, and rejuvenation.

Which beliefs do you have? I work with parents who often have both adversarial and ally beliefs. They want to be their children’s ally. The problem arises, however, if they were raised with mostly punishment; that’s how they tend to react when under pressure.

How Parents Learn to Shift Beliefs

If you’re like many parents, your ally beliefs are ones you’ve developed as an adult so they aren’t your first choice under pressure. 

The GOOD NEWS is that the more you review your behaviors logically after an ineffective punishment reaction, the more you can decide what to do instead. Each time you make a calm determination of what to do, “the next time this happens”  the more you will gradually replace the adversarial beliefs and actions with the ally beliefs and actions. 

Voila! 

Coaching Support for Parents Ready to Change

This skilled evaluation and replacement of adversarial beliefs and actions is exactly what parents receive when they have private coaching sessions with me. 

It’s hard to “see the forest for the trees” and evaluate yourself since you are in the midst of the forest. 

Therefore, I invite you to a free Strategy Shifting Session where you will gain clarity on the best first steps for positive change in your family.  We can discuss any challenge you are facing: , ignoring, arguing, refusing to help, disrespectful, etc. Bring your parenting partner, too. 

I look forward to guiding you on unique new strategies that will make a HUGE positive impact on your family’s happiness. CLICK HERE to register and find a convenient time on my calendar. This is a free, no-obligation gift from me. I LOVE talking with parents. 

Happy parenting!

Cynthia

 

Cynthia is available for private coaching sessions, so you can quickly get the answers you need and make those much-needed changes right away. Click HERE for a complimentary 45-minute Fast-Track Clarity Session to learn what you can do now to create more harmony in your home.

Learn about how you can solve your parenting challenges at your own pace with the Win, Win, Win Parenting Program.