Have you had visions of what you want your relationship to look, sound, and feel like when your children are grown? These visions, or goals, can be very helpful in figuring out how to parent now so you can achieve the parent-adult goal of your dreams.
Here are 3 helpful steps to guide you to achieve your parent-adult relationship goal.
Step 1 – Work backward.
Write down a description of the relationship you want with your children once they leave the nest. This process has several names, backward planning, backward goal setting, and backward design. I had a vision of what type of relationship I wanted with a teenage daughter even before I had Jen. That way, I searched for and learned the necessary skills to create what I have now. (See the picture of Jen and me celebrating my birthday last week in San Diego.)
Here are some goal examples:
I want my children to:
- Share their challenges with me and listen to my wisdom sometimes.
- Want to visit me often and enjoy it.
- Feel loved and accepted by me and tell me how lucky they are to have me as their parent.
Are you thinking, Wow! I’d love that but how could that happen? Those goals are too big.
I encourage you to think really big! Why not? I did and I learned the skills to achieve these goals because I was determined to build a loving and supportive relationship.
Step 2: Review your current parent-adult relationship with who raised you. (If passed, your most recent memories.)
A lot of emotions may come up in this process. Compare your goals of what you want to create with what you experience with your caregiver now.
For example:
- (Share challenges) I’m not comfortable sharing because I don’t trust them and will be criticized.
- (Visit often) I only visit when I have to such as holidays because the time together is too stressful.
- (Feel loved and accepted) Would often judge me and say what I should do or should have done. They would burst my bubble when I shared successes.
Step 3: Skills that your parent/caregiver lacked that you want to learn.
- How to listen without criticizing and instead with acceptance.
- How to talk about important topics and create an inviting environment without judgment.
- How to support the child’s growth path rather than the adult saying what the child should or shouldn’t do.
Family Harmony Formula so you can understand what’s happening now and what to change. A current couple I’m coaching are finding it very helpful learning about the three parenting roles, the Director, the Collaborator, and the Supporter. They use these terms as a way to talk about when they set the rules when they are open to discussion, and when they listen and give their child the power to decide.
Children are more cooperative when you have a clear system of guiding your parenting. When they cooperate more, you become more open and happy, too. It’s all connected with the end goal of creating a supportive and loving parent-adult relationship in the future.
Today, they learned about the 5 goals of behavior – why children do what they do. This knowledge teaches them how to not judge their children’s behavior but instead understand it and guide their children towards positive behavior to reach their goals.
You no longer have to ask, “Why did you do that?” You’ll know why and you’ll no longer feel hurt and a victim. Thus, you’ll create a loving environment that they want to come to because they feel loved by you and trust you.
The Parenting Roles and the Goals of Behavior are the first 2 steps of the process to create the home life now that will bring your children back again and again when they are adults. I put this process into practice as I raised my daughter based on the 3 vision goals (plus more) I shared in Step 1.
This Family Harmony Formula works because I just spent an amazing weekend celebrating my birthday with a girls’ weekend together with my daughter. Since I learned how to create my vision then I can teach you how to create your parent-adult vision as well. Just ask me how.
Happy parenting!
Cynthia
Cynthia is available for private coaching sessions so you can quickly get the answers you need and make those much need changes right away. Click HERE for a complimentary 45-minute Fast-Track Clarity Session to learn what you can do now to create more harmony in your home.
Check out my bonus parenting classes on getting kids to listen, be respectful, cooperate, and share their struggles plus more. CLICK HERE.
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