The After — Then Director Role Strategy
As a director, you set up structure to guide your children to fulfill their responsibilities when they don’t want to. Even after problem solving together, they may ignore you or resist your reminders.
This is the time to use an effective director strategy.
The after-then or work-before-play strategy is one of my favorites because it is respectful, teaches children about the law of cause and effect, and is successful with all ages.
Chores, homework, music practicing, and bedtime routines are common activities that children need “gentle guiding” to complete. This approach reflects the way life works. After we work hard, we treat ourselves to a rest period or fun activity, such as dinner or a movie. Kids may want to watch TV, read, or play a computer game for their play activity.
Children learn through practice to do “work” before having fun. They also learn to think of others’ needs before their own. Both are valuable skills for a successful life that are learned through years of practice.
Correct Placement of Words is Crucial
The After-Then statement assumes your child will do what you want her to do. Correct word order is crucial. The first part states her responsibilities to you or the family. The second part states the positive result of following through.
Your statement is, “After you do Y (my needs or your responsibilities), then you will get X (your needs or desires).” This approach provides a positive, rather than rebellious, way to meet her need for power.
Key Guidelines for Success
Here are KEY guidelines to make sure you are successful in using this effective approach.
- Start with the word “After” and follow with the “work”.
- “After” implies that it will be done and is more effective than “when.”.
- If you state the play first, they tend not to listen to the work required.
- Avoid starting with “If you…” because it is often a threat and stops cooperation.
- Remain calm and confident as you repeat yourself.
- Don’t respond to your child asking “why?” or blaming you with words like, “You should have told me sooner.”
- An empathetic phrase may be helpful.
- Don’t defend yourself.
- Don’t blame them.
Be careful not to slip into the punishment–reward trap, which can easily happen if you feel out of control and are trying to regain control.
An Easy-to-Use Format
Here’s an easy-to-use framework for your After—Then approach. Expect complaining. Notice that each time yoiu respons, you stick to the stating your expectation and you use fewer words each time. Many parents try to defend themselves. That will make this approach ineffective.
“After (when) you _________________ then you can _________________________”
Child complains……
“After _______________________________, then___________________________________”
Child complains……..
“______________________________________first” Then don’t engage.
While I was teaching a virtual class about this strategy, a mom’s son wanted to play with her. Right away the mom used what she had just learned and said, “After you brush your teeth, we’ll play.” She reported that he immediately went to brush his teeth. She was amazed because before she would have to keep nagging him. What a relief to know how to use this strategy.
When the After — Then Strategy is Most Effective
the most effective time to use this strategy is when your child or teen asks to do something that is ok with you. At that time, stop and think, what chores haven’t they done yet? Because they are trying to get what they want, it’s a perfect time to pull out what you want. This is how I successfully got my teenage daughter to do her chores. I know you’ll have success, too.
If you’d like to talk to me more about this strategy or any parenting challenge, find a convenient time to talk on my calendar by CLICKING HERE.
Happy Parenting!
Cynthia Klein
copyright 2025 Cynthia Klein, bridges2understanding.com, 650.722.3484 Certified Parenting Educator
Copyright © 2026, Cynthia Klein, All rights reserved. Please contact Cynthia to use any of her blog post.
About Cynthia Klein
Cynthia Klein’s mission is to contribute to World Peace and building healthy family relationships is the place to begin. As a parenting expert for over 30 years, parents have learned from Cynthia how to communicate more effectively as an ally rather than an adversary. Her unique Family Harmony System teaches parents of 5 and older how to have open dialogue, solve problems together, support one another, and build mutual respect. Cynthia is the author of Ally Parenting and the video-based self-paced program Win, Win, Win, Parenting. She has presented over 700 talks and coached hundreds of parents privately towards greater family connection and harmony. To learn more about her services of coaching and speaking, contact Cynthia Klein at , visit her website at bridges2understanding.com.
