Yesterday I spoke for several schools on the topic Win Kids Over Without Punishments or Rewards. I asked myself, what do I want to tell them in 45 minutes about the keys to “winning” kids over? How do we do that rather than trying to control, threaten, manipulate, or shame them into doing what we as parents want them to do?
Parents can only win if kids feel that they win at times, too. They need to feel valued, respected, acknowledged, and that they are important contributors to you and society. This means that your parenting philosophy needs to be based on these values as well.
Many parents want “tips and tricks” to solve the problem without asking themselves this important value question. Are the strategies you are using matching how you want your family members to feel about themselves and each other?
So, I decided on three key foundation concepts to cover to help any parent self-reflect and get a good step forward.
1. Understanding what the discipline and punishment philosophical approaches are. They often get blurred with the intent to discipline yet using punishment instead. Punishment has been the main parenting approach since the beginning. It’s based on controlling children which seems the quickest way to make sure they stay alive and contribute to the family unit.
Discipline: See the situation as a “teachable moment”. To WIN COOPERATION WITH children.
Punishment: To set punitive consequences. To gain CONTROL OVER children.
2. Learning a framework for choosing the best strategy for each challenge. Understanding when to give directions, when to discuss the issue and solve it together, and when to give autonomy to children to solve their problems is key. Along with this is for your children to understand when you have sole power when you have power together, and when they have sole power. I call these three parenting roles The Director, the Collaborator, and the Supporter.
Once you have these two frameworks understood, it’s exciting for parents to learn a tried-and-true Director Role strategy that gives kids a sense of value, positive contribution, and power in their lives. This is the amazing After-Then strategy.
3. The After-Then Director strategy. Every parent I’ve coached who has learned how to use this strategy has reported amazing results with greater cooperation from their kids. This is based on the concept that we all need some “play” that we can look forward to after we do the “work.” The basic formula is to state “After you……(work) then you can do your play (what they have asked to do.”
There are very clear guidelines on how to use this approach which I’ll go into later.
Happy parenting!
Cynthia
Cynthia is available for private coaching sessions so you can quickly get the answers you need and make those much-needed changes right away. Click HERE for a complimentary 45-minute Fast-Track Clarity Session to learn what you can do now to create more harmony in your home.
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