Do you ever hope for a more connected relationship? You would like to be respected because you are respecting your child but it isn’t happening. Why is this? What could you possibly be doing that’s contributing to this lack of connection and respect?
Notice where I’m placing the responsibility for change to happen. With you!
You have the power and control over yourself, not your child.
There are 3 steps I suggest you take to turn around a negative cycle of disconnection and disrespect.
This article will address step 1. Watch for other articles about steps:
Step 2 – Avoid hurtful language when giving directions.
Step 3 – Watch out for shutting down personal expression.
Step 1 – Shift your adversarial parenting beliefs to ally parenting beliefs.
How an adversarial parent thinks
- I’m going to win and my child is going to lose.
- Emotions and thoughts of my child will be ignored.
- The relationship is not my priority.
- The immediate view of how to fix the problem matters.
The adversarial approach has been the main parenting style since the beginning for most cultures. Think about how you were raised. Did your parents spend time listening to you? Did they care how you felt when you said, “You don’t care what I think or feel.” Did they ask you what you meant? Did you feel important because they wanted to spend time with you and they enjoyed your company?
It’s important to acknowledge that how you were raised has a profound impact on how you parent. Even if you determine, “I’m never going to be like my parent”, under stress you will likely do the same unless you make a conscious effort to get new training and new programming.
That’s what parenting education is all about. Helping you learn the skills so you can be a parent you are proud of being. You don’t benefit from a random approach to reaching your goals. You’ll probably never get there by wandering around all the parenting books and classes by yourself. It’s so important to have a professional guide.
So let’s look at how different the ally parent thinks.
- I want to create a win/win relationship.
- The emotions and thoughts of everyone are valued and important.
- The relationship is valued and nourished.
- How can I create a positive life-long relationship with my children?
I imagine you are reading the ally list and saying, “Of course I want to be my child’s ally.” Yet, deep down you know that there are many effective ally skills you haven’t learned yet. You have the dream of being an ally, but it just isn’t happening. Perhaps you’ve given up and settled for what you have. You’re feeling unhappy, resentful, embarrassed, confused, and much more. How can this possibly get better?
Imagine spending your time learning new strategies rather than arguing with your kids or teens. Arguing gets reduced drastically when you learn the pitfalls of arguing back, why you are stuck defending yourself and trying to change your teen, and what to do instead.
Are you ready to change? For step 1, take 30 minutes and write down what strategies your parents (caregivers) used with you. How did you feel about each one? Which ones do you want to repeat? Which ones do you want to change? How would you have preferred to be treated? How well are you doing on the changes you want to make?
It’s important for you to acknowledge that you are doing the best you can with the information you currently have. Be gentle with yourself and seek the new skills that you have just identified. Your new parenting skill set will create big changes in your life and your children’s future ability to parent as an ally.
Read a great story of a mom who is melting the wall and creating a closer connection with her teen. Learn More…
Don’t miss out on this fantastic opportunity to download “The 7 Most Common Phrases Parents Say That Stop Kids From Listening”! You’ll also receive my weekly emails where you will learn how to transform annoying conflict into loving cooperation in your home.
Cynthia is available for private coaching sessions so you can quickly get the answers you need and make those much need changes right away. Click HERE for a complimentary 45-minute Fast-Track Clarity Session to learn what you can do now to create more harmony in your home.