“Thank you for everything you do for me, mom and dad. I really appreciate you.” (Grandpa, Nona, etc.)
How many of you hear these words from your children and teens on a regular basis? If you do, you have rare children, your kids are grown, or you have learned how to teach your children to appreciate you.
Learning to appreciate what others do for them takes children time, maturation, and a plan. Most parents hope to be appreciated and get upset if they aren’t.
I often hear from parents:
- “I do so much for my kids and they take advantage of me.”
- “I take them special places and buy them things and they act entitled as though it’s no big deal and they DESERVE it all.”
- “They ask for things with no regard for how much it cost. They don’t even think about how hard I worked to make money. They act as if money grows on trees!”
If you are thinking this way, you are not alone. Part of the problem of feeling hurt because you aren’t appreciated is that you expect to be appreciated automatically.
The big news is that appreciation doesn’t come naturally. It is taught and strengthened as your children mature. Children are made to be self-centered so keep this in mind to help you not judge harshly your children’s lack of appreciation.
Don’t worry. There are important steps for you to take so your kids will learn to appreciate you. Don’t just leave it up to chance.
So, let’s start with the first complaint above:
- “I do so much for my kids and they take advantage of me.”
I’m going to throw out some ideas for you to ponder about this complaint.
First, why do you do so much for your kids? Is “doing for them” a way you show your love? Is this how you were raised? What would happen if you didn’t do so much for them? Would you not be a good enough parent? Do you expect something in return, such as gratitude when you do for them?
Do you feel unloved when you are appreciated for what you do?
As you can see, this “doing for kids” can be a very emotionally charged issue. Often, when parents are in the pattern of doing and not getting appreciated, they complain about their children’s behavior. The kids are the problem, not the parent.
One solution I suggest is that you do less for your kids. Whenever you feel taken advantage of, it’s time to pull back what you are doing. It’s important for you to change what you are doing rather than wait for your kids to change. They might not truly appreciate you until they are in their 20s and that’s a long time to stay upset with not being appreciated.
There is an effective Director Role strategy that will teach you how to stop doing too much and will teach appreciation instead. This is called setting your boundaries.
A personal boundary is when you state what you will or will not do. You have total control over yourself. You are not trying to change your child at all when you state a boundary. Notice that the boundary statements start with “I”, not “You”.
Here are a few examples:
- I can drive you when you ask me 15 minutes in advance. (when they ask 5 minutes ahead instead of 15, you say, “sorry, I need 15 minutes’ notice. You can try again another time.”
- I can give you $45 towards a new pair of shoes.
- I don’t like that swear word because it bothers me. I’ll talk with you when you don’t use it. Thanks.
When you don’t feel taken advantage of because you have set boundaries that protect you, then you won’t get upset with your kids. They will learn what your boundaries are and they will respect them and appreciate you more. Boundary setting is one of the first strategies to learn when you are trying to be a better Director because you have total control over yourself and you cannot control your kids as much as you try.
To learn more about setting boundaries, read chapter 25 in my book Ally Parenting, Your Personal Boundaries Create Appreciative Children.
Happy Parenting!
Cynthia
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