In my survey about the top challenges you are experiencing during the summer, the #1 challenge is trying to get kids off mobile devices! I’m not surprised.
So, you are asking, “How do I get my kid/teen off screens? Nothing is working.”
Whenever someone asks me a “how do I …” question, my first thought is “I don’t know.” And then I come back to the reality that I can’t tell you what to do differently without more information. There isn’t one answer to a problem. The answer is based on why the problem keeps happening and what you are doing currently that isn’t working. So, in order for you to find the answer, I’ll first guide you in this fact-finding process.
Yes! I want you to have the knowledge and thus the power to understand how to find your best solutions. You don’t have to keep wondering and fishing aimlessly trying to find a solution that solves your problem.
Let’s begin with the #1 topic- Trying to get your kid off of their mobile device.
I’ll start with a very important question about how you got to your current problem. Then, I’ll tell you why this strategy doesn’t work.
- Have you created a signed cell phone agreement with your child that they aren’t following?
Why this isn’t working: It’s standard advice to tell parents to create a signed agreement with their kids regarding cell phone usage. It sounds good because you want to be a fair parent and get your teen engaged in problem-solving and an agreement. The hope is that by doing this, they will comply when you say, “It’s time to get off your phone.”
Wrong! They usually don’t see the agreement as something they wanted even though they signed it. They signed it under duress.
Their signature doesn’t give you any security even though you hope it will. It’s easy for them to agree at the moment in order to get the phone, but their heart (and brain) just isn’t in it. So, if you’ve done this and it isn’t working, it isn’t because you haven’t “done it right.” It’s because the advice may not fit your family.
Having discussions about tech is important. However, at the end of the day, it comes down to which parenting role you need to embrace about tech. You have 3 roles as a parent and it’s crucial to choose the right one. You’re either a Director, Collaborator, or Supporter based on who wants the problem solved.
Ask yourself, who wants limits on phone usage? You or your kids? The answer is YOU DO! Once a client told me that her teen asked her to help them put their phone away because they knew it was a problem. This is very rare and if you have that type of teen, then you don’t have this problem we’re discussing.
If only YOU want the problem solved then you need to be a Director. A Director makes the FINAL decisions, sets the rules, and becomes skilled at enforcing the rules. Collaborative problem-solving, such as creating an agreement, is not an effective strategy for a Director. It’s great for problems you both want to be solved but not for setting limits on phone usage. With the agreement, your teen thinks they have input which means they can say “No” to your directions.
Now, there is a lot more important information on how to discuss tech with your kids. I’m not saying not to discuss the ins and outs of tech. This is crucial. What I am saying is that just by signing an agreement, your teens won’t comply.
So, if this is what you’ve done, I suggest that you learn what a Director thinks, says, and does that is effective. It’s tricky backtracking when you’ve already given your teens as much power or more, than you.
Ultimately I suggest you say, “I realize that I made it sound like you were part of deciding how much you use the phone and I was wrong. It’s my job as a parent to set the final guidelines. Let’s discuss what’s going on and how to use the phone responsibly as well.”
Yikes! Can you imagine the possible resistance and yelling? Are you thinking, “I can’t say that. My kid would yell and freak out.” Learning how to do this effectively is where private coaching with me is important. There are many pieces to understanding how to replace this agreement strategy which isn’t working.
Disclaimer: Don’t use this strategy of shifting to becoming a Director after being a Collaborator without specific guidance to your unique situation first! Otherwise, it will backfire and create more negativity between you and your kids. Contact me first for support.
Check out more information on this topic in the post How to decide how much power parents should give kids.
Happy Parenting!
Cynthia
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