Why Parenting Advice Doesn’t Always Work: 3 Reasons It May Not Be Helping You

Have you ever received parenting advice and thought, “I tried that already, and it didn’t work”? If so, you’re not alone. Parenting can often feel like a never-ending journey of trial and error, especially when advice seems to miss the mark. If the strategies you’ve tried aren’t giving you the results you expect, there might be three key reasons why.

1. The Advice Is Outdated and Not Based on Professional Experience

Parents often receive advice from well-meaning friends, family members, or even professionals. However, not all advice is created equal. Some strategies are outdated and based more on theory than on practical experience with real families and children.

For instance, I once worked with a couple whose teenage daughter was struggling to comply with their rules. The parents were advised by their daughter’s therapist to take away a privilege as punishment when she misbehaved. This is a common tactic, but in my experience, it’s a less effective approach for teens, especially for those who are strong-willed or rebellious.

I asked the parents, “How do you think your daughter will respond to this strategy?” They admitted, “She would become more rebellious.” I agreed. In my work, I’ve found that this punitive approach often worsens the situation.

Instead, I guided the parents toward a collaborative approach, involving dialogue with their daughter and setting clear boundaries based on mutual respect and values. They negotiated rules regarding car usage, and as a result, their daughter became more cooperative. This process wasn’t a one-time fix—it required ongoing follow-up and adjustments. But the key was that it was a personalized, tailored solution that worked for their family.

Lesson Learned: Parenting advice needs to be practical and based on real-life experience. Outdated approaches, like punishment, rarely yield positive results in today’s world of parenting.

2. The Advice Is Too General and Doesn’t Fit Your Specific Situation

Not all advice will work for every family. Parenting is deeply personal, and what works for one child may not work for another. For example, many parents struggle to get their kids to do their chores. A popular suggestion is to hold a family meeting where everyone, both adults and children, chooses their tasks and makes an agreement.

For some kids, this works well. They feel empowered by the opportunity to choose their chores and follow through, especially when a chart is in place to remind them of their responsibilities. However, this approach doesn’t work for everyone. Many children, especially those who are strong-willed, may still resist doing chores.

When this happens, parents need more specific strategies. For example, I’ve recommended techniques like the “One Word” strategy, “After-Then,” or “It’s Time To…” to help parents handle resistance and ensure their children follow through. These strategies allow parents to remain calm and clear while maintaining expectations.

Lesson Learned: If the general advice isn’t enough, you might need more tailored strategies. Don’t give up just because something seems too general—personalized advice may be the key to success.

3. You Think You Did the Advice Correctly, But You Actually Didn’t

Sometimes, the reason advice isn’t working is because it’s being implemented incorrectly. The smallest details—like word choice—can make a huge difference in whether or not a strategy succeeds.

Take the popular “After-Then” strategy, also known as “Work Before Play.” Many parents use this approach to encourage their children to finish their homework before watching TV or playing games. However, the order in which you present the information matters. Parents often say, “You can watch a show AFTER you finish your homework,” which sounds like a reasonable directive. But the issue here is the order of the words.

By stating the reward first (“You can watch a show”), children tend to focus on the play instead of the work. What happens is they may completely forget about the required task (homework) and try to focus only on the reward. The correct order is: “AFTER you finish your homework, THEN you can watch a show.” By stating the work before the reward, children have a clearer expectation and are more likely to comply.

Furthermore, using a threatening tone, such as “If you don’t do your homework, you can’t watch a show,” can make kids feel anxious or defiant, making them less likely to follow through. The goal is to make the statement positive and clear.

Lesson Learned: The difference between success and failure can come down to the details—like word choice and tone. Make sure you’re following through with the advice correctly.

How to Make Parenting Advice Work for You

If you find yourself frustrated by advice that doesn’t seem to work, ask yourself these three questions:

1. Is this advice up-to-date and based on professional experience?
2. Is the advice personalized to my family’s specific situation?
3. Am I implementing the advice correctly, or could I be missing key details?

Remember, parenting isn’t a one-size-fits-all endeavor. It takes time, patience, and the right guidance to navigate the challenges that arise with your children. It’s okay to seek professional help or revisit advice when things aren’t going as planned.

Don’t feel like you should automatically know how to parent differently if you want different results. Just like you might hire a tutor to help your child with academics, you deserve to have a parenting coach or guide to help you navigate these challenges.

I offer a complimentary Fast-Track Clarity Session to help you assess your situation and give you actionable advice on the next steps forward. Parenting doesn’t have to be done alone, and with the right tools, you can create the positive change your family needs.

Happy Parenting!

Cynthia Klein

Cynthia is available for private coaching sessions, so you can quickly get the answers you need and make those much-needed changes right away. Click HERE for a complimentary 45-minute Fast-Track Clarity Session to learn what you can do now to create more harmony in your home.

Learn about how you can solve your parenting challenges at your own pace with the Win, Win, Win Parenting Program.

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