Why Your Self-Taught, Band-Aid Parenting Solutions May Not Get Results

The Boom in Parenting Advice

The parenting advice business is booming. That’s why there are thousands of parenting books, classes, and self-directed courses to choose from. 

With all of this available wisdom, why are parents still struggling, especially with getting kids to do what they don’t want to do? 

There are several reasons, yet I’m going to focus on one important issue first. 

The Problem With Quick-Fix Parenting Solutions

Parents are looking for a simple, quick-fix solution to complicated relational problems. Because you are so busy with the day-to-day tasks of raising kids, you don’t believe you have the bandwidth to take the time to solve the complicated interpersonal challenges you face with your partner and/or children. 

A Real-Life Example of Wanting a Fast Answer

In a recent class I taught, a dad mentioned he felt there was a need for a consequence because the kids weren’t doing what they were supposed to do. It turned out that he was looking for a quick solution.

Why Quick Solutions Often Backfire

One of the problems with quick solutions is that they often escalate the situation.  Without knowing the deep source of a child rebelling against your requests, a consequence will only add fuel to the fire. 

Quick solutions look at the child’s actions at the moment and try to change them rather than addressing the real problem. This is surface change, which is ineffective long term.

Looking at the Bigger Parenting Picture

It’s essential to look at the bigger picture of the family system. Do you know what your approach to parenting is ? Do you have a well-thought-out plan on how you will approach each challenge you face?

With the big-picture approach, your success rate is dramatically improved. 

How Parenting Patterns Are Formed

Many parents start with the parenting approach they experienced as children. In fact, others attend parenting classes or read books as they search for answers. I did these PLUS I studied and became certified in 5 different parenting programs.

I was determined to create a healthy relationship with my daughter. Because I didn’t want to model how I was raised, it became clear that a new approach to parenting was needed.

When a “Logical Consequence” Doesn’t Work

Perhaps you’ve heard my story of looking in a book to find a solution of how to get my 4-year-old daughter to take over her dishes after leaving them by the television. The strategy I found in a book was to use a logical consequence of charging her each time she left her dishes and I took them over as if I was her maid.

You would have thought I was torturing her when I told her what logical consequence I was going to use. Her response was, “THEN, I’LL NEVER HAVE ANY MONEY!” To her, this logical consequence was a punishment. It wasn’t an effective way to inspire her to take her dishes over to the kitchen.

Why Random Strategies Fail

This experience made it clear to me that picking a random strategy that wasn’t based on a well-thought-out parenting system wasn’t going to work.   

I needed to understand why my daughter was leaving her dishes when she went off to play. I also needed a clear philosophical foundation for choosing how to discipline her. Not a random act!

Understanding the Child’s Perspective

Guess what? It turns out she wasn’t leaving her dishes on purpose. She wasn’t trying to get out of it either. Instead, other more important things caught her attention, and the dirty dishes she was no longer using simply fell to the bottom of the list.

Questions Every Parent Should Ask

So, my question to you is this: Think of the rule or boundary that your child is avoiding or ignoring. Do you know why they are not doing it? What is going on inside of them? Which feelings do they have about the way you are presenting the rule? Which words have you used to get the chore done?

Have you said, “You’re acting like a slob when you leave the dishes all over and don’t clean it up?” 

A Moment for Reflection

Take time to think about these questions. Do you want to let me know what you came up with? I know this can be very embarrassing. Believe me, there won’t be any judgment from me.

Happy parenting!

Cynthia

 

Cynthia is available for private coaching sessions, so you can quickly get the answers you need and make those much-needed changes right away. Click HERE for a complimentary 45-minute Fast-Track Clarity Session to learn what you can do now to create more harmony in your home.

Learn about how you can solve your parenting challenges at your own pace with the Win, Win, Win Parenting Program.